Categories
Dieting Eating Disorders

5 Thoughts that are Making You Binge, and How to Change Them

Do you ever forbid yourself from eating certain foods such as chocolate or cheese, then ‘give in’ and eat huge amounts of them?

Afterwards, do you make a promise to yourself that this will never happen again?

Do you vow to start again tomorrow and with another diet?

Every time that we binge, it is because we have a thought that we believe that isn’t true

I have done all of these things. Every time that we overeat or binge, it is because we have a thought that we believe that isn’t true.

Here are 5 of these thoughts, and how you can change them.

This is the last supper

Thought: This is what we think when we resolve to start a new diet. When we are planning to restrict our food choices or calories, our brain goes crazy thinking this is the last chance to eat. We stuff ourselves with chocolate, cake, crisps, pizza; all the foods that we are never going to have again.

How to change this thought: Get rid of the dieting mentality: eat today as if you’re not going to start a diet (because you’re not!)

I will only allow myself to have x amount of calories 

Thought: If we restrict our calorie intake, we will eventually overeat. When we under eat, our bodies  go into starvation mode and respond by driving up hunger and cravings to ensure that we seek out food. This will cause us to overeat. It is the body’s way of keeping us alive. In this way, we will end up eating more calories overall, than if we didn’t restrict our calorie intake in the first place. For more on this, please visit my blog Why Diets Don’t work.

How to change this thought: Do not place restrictions on the amount of food you eat. Know that when we limit our calories in order to lose weight, this will lead us to overeat and actually cause us to gain weight in the long term.

I am not allowed to eat x y z

Thought: We crave whatever types of food we cut out of our diets. For example, implementing rules such as ‘I am not allowed to eat ice cream’ drives up cravings for ice cream. This then leads us to consume far more ice cream than we would if we hadn’t limited it in the first place.

How to change this thought: Permit all types of foods! This means that we won’t feel deprived and therefore won’t experience an urge to binge.

I am never going to binge again

Thought: This puts us back in the cycle of restriction and binging. If we resolve never to binge again, then we renew our diets, feel deprived, experience cravings and insatiable hunger, and end up binging.

How to change this thought: Do not make any promises to yourself; and allow yourself to eat without restriction. Remember that under eating or omitting food groups makes it more likely that we will binge. Promising ourselves that we will never binge again means that we almost certainly will.

I have blown it

Thought: If we eat something that was off our food plan, or we eat something that we consider to be ‘naughty,’ we think that we have blown it, so we might as well binge. Sometimes even if we eat just a little bit of something that we have designated as ‘forbidden’ food, then we feel like we have somehow crossed a line, so we might as well go all the way over the line.

How to change this thought: Know that if you eat a cookie, or a chocolate bar, that does not mean that you need to eat all the cookies in the packet, or a huge foot long Toblerone. Consider this: if you accidentally cut your hand, you would not think, ‘oh well now I might as well chop it off.’  You are allowed to have a little bit of something, or a lot of something. Just because you eat a bit of chocolate, does not mean that you now have to eat it all. It is your choice: you can choose to eat it, or you can choose not to.


The power lies with you

Consider whether you are thinking and believing any of these 5 thoughts. When they come up for you, remember that they are not true!

Follow the ‘how to change this thought’ advice above and know that you have the choice to eat, or not to eat. The power lies with you.

Categories
Body Image Eating Disorders Exercise Men Recovery

Freddie Flintoff: Men and Eating Disorders

CW: details of purging behaviours.

In the BBC One documentary ‘Living with Bulimia,’ former England Cricket Captain Andrew ‘Freddie’ Flintoff speaks openly for the first time about his 20 year struggle with the eating disorder bulimia nervosa. In the programme, he gives an honest account of his experiences with body dysmorphia, self-induced vomiting and compulsive exercise, which began during his cricketing career when his weight came under scrutiny from the British media.

Today 1.5million people in the UK are reported to have bulimia, 25% of which are men. The actual number of male sufferers, however, is likely to be much higher: a 2007 study suggests that it is closer to 40%.1

Eating disorders are often considered to be female illnesses

The reason why this condition often goes unreported is owing to sex-related stigma. Eating disorders are often considered to be female illnesses, meaning that only 10% of men pursue treatment. Flintoff himself was prevented from disclosing his bulimia owing to his dietician’s discriminatory attitude towards men and eating disorders.

Until being interviewed for this documentary, Flintoff kept his eating disorder secret for 2 decades. Ashamed of his condition, he still finds it difficult to even say the word, ‘bulimia.’ Instead, he refers to it as ‘being sick’.

The secrecy and shame associated with bulimia gave him the sense of having a duel identity. Publicly, Freddie Flintoff is a famous TV presenter and international sportsperson; but privately, he suffers from such low self-esteem that he is compelled to vomit after every meal.

When he began his sporting career age 16, Flintoff had what he describes as a ‘skinny’ physique.2 At this time he became aware of the difference between his own teenage body and those of his teammates, who, in comparison, were more muscular.

The British press christened him ‘The Fat Cricketer’

Over the next few years, Flintoff consequently attempted to increase his size in order to have ‘more presence’.3 Yet, he was not fully aware of how much weight he had gained until his appearance caught the attention of the British press who christened him ‘The Fat Cricketer.’ It was this weight shaming that was the trigger for his 20 year long struggle with bulimia.

By shaming Flintoff for his weight gain, the media reinforced the idea that a professional sportsperson should have a certain type of body, i.e. lean and athletic. Because he did not accord with their aesthetic ideal, Flintoff was publicly humiliated.

This type of discrimination has been documented as posing a significant threat to psychological and physical health; and is also a risk factor for depression, low self-esteem, and body dissatisfaction.4

It is often weight stigma that causes eating disorders

As in Flintoff’s case, it is often weight stigma that causes eating disorders. It was only after the press commented on his appearance that he became concerned about his size. Constantly under the scrutiny of the public eye and known as ‘Fat Flintoff’, Freddie consequently began engaging in destructive behaviours in order to lose weight, making himself sick after every meal.

This behaviour was reinforced by a subsequent improvement in his cricket performance and positive attention from the previously critical British media. This, therefore, confirmed his idea that a trimmer physique was his ticket to increased sporting performance and social approval.

Flintoff also admits that he derived a ‘perverse’ enjoyment from the act of purging itself. He describes it as being addictive, a descriptor commonly used by patients with bulimia since purging activates the opioid (or addictive) part of the brain.5 For many individuals, being sick often provides feelings of comfort, euphoria or instant relief, which makes it difficult to stop.6

Although Flintoff states that he currently has his vomiting under control, he still purges via excessive exercise by carrying out an hour of fasted cardio every morning, becoming anxious if he is unable to train.

Amongst male athletes like Flintoff, purging can lead to serious outcomes that may affect their particular sport. These include ‘increased susceptibility to injury, inconsistent performance, problematic recovery [and] muscle deficiencies.’7

He still experiences guilt and an urge to make himself sick

Although his eating disorder is now functional, in addition to carrying out compulsive exercise, he still experiences guilt and an urge to make himself sick after eating.

Despite these symptoms, however, Flintoff questions whether he is in need of treatment. His claims that he is in control of his eating disorder and can stop whenever he wants, however, are inconsistent with his previous comments that he feels out of control and isn’t able to stop.

Despite bulimia’s medical diagnosis, Flintoff continues to perceive the condition, not as an illness, but part of who he is. It is perhaps owing to his strong identification with his eating disorder that he has not yet made a full recovery. Believing that it is an inherent aspect of his personality means that he will not be open to change.

 ‘Gaining weight would be his worst nightmare’

Flintoff’s reluctance to seek help also seems to be driven by the fear of renouncing his purging behaviours since, as he states, ‘gaining weight would be [his] worst nightmare’.8 Yet, this help can be vital, since ‘almost half of all people with bulimia will not recover without treatment’.9

The importance of Freddie Flintoff sharing his story is that not only is it a stepping stone towards his own recovery; but it will also help to break the stigma surrounding gender stereotypes and eating disorders, and encourage more men to seek the help that they need.


  1. https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/blog/males-dont-present-females-eating-disorders [accessed 30 September 2020]
  2. Freddie Flintoff: Living With Bulimia, BBC Television, 28 September 2020
  3. Freddie Flintoff: Living With Bulimia, BBC Television, 28 September 2020
  4.  Andreyeva, T., Puhl, R. M. and Brownell, K. D. (2008), Changes in Perceived Weight Discrimination Among Americans, 1995–1996 Through 2004–2006. Obesity, 16: 1129–1134. doi:10.1038/oby.2008.35
  5. https://eating-disorders.org.uk/information/bulimia-nervosa-a-contemporary-analysis [accessed 30 September 2020]
  6. https://mirror-mirror.org/eating-disorders-2-2/bulimia-nervosa [accessed 30 September 2020]
  7. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/1941738120928991 [accessed 30 September 2020]
  8. Freddie Flintoff: Living With Bulimia, BBC Television, 28 September 2020
  9. https://eating-disorders.org.uk/information/bulimia-nervosa-a-contemporary-analysis/ [accessed 30 September 2020]

Categories
Dieting Eating Disorders

Naughty But Nice: The Implications of Eating ‘Clean’

In the current pandemic, ‘clean eating’ involves spraying your Tesco delivery with Dettol.

This phrase, however, does not ordinarily mean disinfecting groceries. When I first encountered the concept of clean eating in 2012, it was a nutritional lifestyle that existed predominantly within the fitness community. This diet was comprised of foods that were fresh, whole, unprocessed and unrefined. The mantra of the bodybuilding world was ‘eat clean, train dirty;’ and observing these principles was the standard way to reduce body fat. Day after day, I ate my sad looking turkey and greens from a sweating Tupperware tub, trusting in the magical powers of clean eating to grant me the lean physique of a successful bikini competitor.

‘Clean’ encompasses food that is organic, local, grass-fed, free from diary or gluten, ‘super,’ and raw

Since then, there has been a noticeable shift in diet culture towards ‘wellness.’ Contemporary advocates of clean eating base their meals around foods that provide optimum health. Nowadays, the term ‘clean’ is liberally applied and also encompasses food that is organic, local, grass-fed, free from diary or gluten, ‘super,’ and raw. These eating trends are now mainstream and items such as almond butter and apple cider vinegar have become familiar cupboard staples.

In 2020, plant-based diets are still in vogue, but their offerings are more glamorous than the dry Linda McCartney sausages of my teenage vegetarian phase. Now supermarkets stock exotic products such as sustainable seaweed puffs, coconut flour tortilla chips and spirulina chia pudding.

This eating trend has been perpetuated by a boom of social media bloggers. Despite most of them lacking nutritional qualifications, these foodstagrammers have armies of followers. Their focus is not usually on the health benefits of clean food, however, but rather on its aesthetic appeal. Clean eating has become part of an aspirational lifestyle portrayed by lean, wealthy young adults who swear by their Mason jar rainbow smoothies.

If taken to extremes, clean eating can develop into a condition known as orthorexia nervosa. Orthorexia was first defined in 1977 by Dr Steven Bratman as a pathological obsession with healthy food. While not currently recognized by the American Psychiatric Association, the condition does bear similarities to other clinical eating disorders. Like anorexia nervosa for instance, orthorexia involves strict dietary control and fear-driven ritualistic compulsions.

People with orthorexia fixate on the quality and purity of their food

Unlike anorexics, however, people with orthorexia fixate on the quality and purity of their food. This includes avoiding products that contain artificial preservatives, trans fats and pesticides. Echoing the principles of clean eating, this diet is limited to foods that support physical health. Yet, while clean eating is universally praised, orthorexia is deemed to be harmful and obsessive.

Ironically, such a strict ‘healthy’ eating regime can in fact lead to illness. Since many foods are omitted from an individual’s diet, there is often insufficient intake of the vitamins and minerals required for optimum health.

When part of a more balanced diet, healthy food is good for our physical wellbeing. Yet the language that surrounds our nutritional choices such as ‘organic,’ ‘detox’ and ‘natural’ infers that eating clean will also elevate us to a superior level of virtue. In this way, health food evangelists assert that those who conform to the values of clean eating will not only become physically well, but also morally pure.

This judgment and morality are an everyday part of our eating lexicon. ‘Clean’ food items are even branded with virtuous names. These include Halo Top Ice Cream, Innocent Smoothies, Perfect Snacks and Right Rice. The ‘guilt free’ slogan of these products echoes the idea that we are ‘good’ when we eat clean; and conversely ‘bad’ if we are tempted by ‘dirtier’ foods.

‘Junk’ or ‘cheat’ foods suggest decadence and depravity

Using the language of morality to define our nutritional choices thereby demonizes food items, or whole food groups. Calorie-laden, low nutritional value foods are often described as ‘junk’ or ‘cheat’ foods, terms which suggest decadence and depravity. In the 1980s, Lyons marketed their products by associating ‘forbidden’ types of food with pleasure, coining the ubiquitous phrase ‘naughty but nice.’ Their successful advertising campaign endorsed the concept that highly palatable foods such as cream cakes are bad for the soul.

When we consume foods that have been designated as ‘good’ or ‘bad,’ this morality becomes transferred to ourselves. Restricting our diet to good, clean products can therefore provide us with a sense of achievement and virtue. Within modern culture, praise and respect are awarded to those who eat healthily since they are perceived to possess superior levels of willpower and self-control.

This external commendation, however, only serves to reinforce the mind-set that clean is better. As a result, we are left constantly questioning whether our food choices are ‘good enough.’ Eating foods that we have labelled as ‘bad’ can lead to feelings of guilt and shame; and even physically damaging behaviours such as restriction or purging.

Food does not possess intrinsic moral value

The fetishization of clean eating and its more extreme manifestation as orthorexia can therefore challenge our mental wellbeing. Ultimately, using the phrase ‘clean’ to describe certain types of food grants power to these items and their promise of health and self-worth. In order to disable this power, we need to remind ourselves that the moral lexicon surrounding food is merely a linguistic construct that is culturally promoted and self-imposed.

We may feel virtuous if we eat cauliflower instead of bread, but this is just an idea: food does not possess intrinsic moral value. Health is about balance: eat the kale AND the cake.

Categories
Dieting

Why Diets Don’t Work

Diets don’t work. Restricting food intake may initially lead to weight loss, yet 95% of people who lose weight gain it back within 3-5 years.

Most of us would blame our lack of willpower, but dieting is not a matter of self-discipline.

Consider: how many different diets have you followed? How many times have you reduced your calories; fasted; or avoided whole food groups such as the currently demonised carbohydrates? If any of these diets worked, we would only need one.

Dieting becomes increasingly ineffective every time we embark upon a new nutrition plan. The irony is that intentional weight loss methods actually teach our bodies how to gain weight.

REASON WHY DIETS DON’T WORK #1: PHYSICAL RESTRICTION

Restricting calories or excluding food groups essentially puts our bodies into a state of starvation or malnutrition. Our bodies therefore respond as if there is a famine and make physiological adaptations to keep us alive.

These adaptations include increasing hunger and cravings which lead us to seek out and eat more food, especially those high in carbohydrates. This is owing to hormonal changes brought about by the period of starvation: when it is energy deprived, the brain increases production of the chemical Neuropeptide Y which drives us to consume energy dense carbohydrates.

In addition, reducing body fat through dieting leads to decreased levels of the hormone leptin, which helps us to feel full. Under normal circumstances fat stores release leptin into the bloodstream which informs the body that energy stores are available and signals us to eat less. As we lose body fat, however, leptin levels fall. This leads to increased appetite, particularly for sweet, high energy foods.

Restriction of calorie intake by dieting lowers our metabolism

Constant restriction of calorie intake by dieting also lowers our metabolism: this is a physical adaptation that ensures we will be able to survive on a smaller amount of food. The more body weight we lose, the fewer calories we need to consume, therefore we need to restrict more and more as weight loss continues.

Our bodies also increase our set point weight as insurance against future famine. This set point is a genetically determined range of 10-15lbs where our bodies are most comfortable. If we drop under our set point weight by restricting food, the body responds and works like a thermostat to adjust metabolism and hormone levels until our weight returns to this stable point.

If we repeatedly engage in dieting, we can actually push our set point weight up. This is because the body’s metabolic condition changes when we restrict our food intake. We cannot lower your set point weight, but it is possible to raise it…by dieting.

REASON WHY DIETS DON’T WORK #2: MENTAL RESTRICTION

Mental restriction such as implementing food rules, categorising foods as ‘good’ or ‘bad’, and forbidding foods that we enjoy such as pizza or chocolate also leads to weight gain.

This is because depriving ourselves of these foods drives up cravings and therefore we end up overeating the very foods we are trying to avoid. Likewise, if we resolve to start a new diet tomorrow, then today we will probably go into ‘last supper mode’ and frantically eat everything in sight because this is our last chance before the food restrictions are in place.

Only permitting ourselves a certain amount of daily calories may also cause the number on the scale to creep up. This is because when we restrict our food intake, we are telling our brains that there is no more food.

This causes the brain to panic and consequently increase our urge to overeat or binge. In this way, we up eating more calories overall than if we hadn’t restricted our daily intake in the first place.

After a binge, we experience guilt or shame and resolve to diet even harder

Our body’s responses to physical and mental restriction are survival mechanisms that lead us to eat, and eat a lot. Afterwards, we may experience guilt or shame and resolve to diet even harder. This only serves to perpetuate the binge / restrict cycle, and each time we go through it the restriction becomes tighter and the binges become more extreme.

This constant cycling (or yo yo dieting) places the body in a chronic state of stress. The body reacts to this stress in several ways, one of which is that the adrenal glands produce the hormone cortisol. Cortisol increases appetite and causes cravings for sugary foods, which are then stored as fat.

Restriction is therefore the fastest way to gain weight and permanently increase our set point weight

The fundamental message is that we cannot control our weight long term. It is impossible to sustainably fight against our biological instincts. It’s just like breathing: we can hold our breath for a little while, but at some point, we are going to have to breathe.

We need to reject the diet mentality and throw away our meal plans. If we truly allow ourselves to eat without deprivation or restriction, the drive to seek out excessive amounts of food subsides as our bodies and brains learn that the famine is finally over.

We need to embrace food freedom, allow ourselves all foods, and trust that our bodies know what to do.

Categories
Body Image Dieting Eating Disorders Exercise Fitness Competitions Recovery

Hanging Up The Bikini: Why I Quit Competing

CW: details of eating disordered behaviours.

In October 2014, at age 31 I achieved the award that marked the pinnacle of my fitness competition career: the coveted Bikini Athlete Pro Card. Standing onstage in a Hertfordshire theatre, smiling for the winner’s photographs, I appeared the epitome of health and fitness. But, in reality, I was suffering from serious physical and mental damage.

Entering the world of fitness competitions triggered a major relapse

I have had a disordered relationship with food since I developed anorexia at the age of 11. Over the years, I have also suffered from body dysmorphia and bulimia. When I was in my late 20s, entering the world of fitness competitions triggered a major relapse into these destructive patterns of eating.

I am second from the left

Fitness competitions are a misnomer. The irony of these events lies in the very title itself: fitness is not necessarily synonymous with health. I was a fitness model, yet I was far from fit. I ignored my body’s appeals for food and rest, and instead rigidly adhered to punishing diet and training regimes in the hope that they would make me muscular and lean.

In the fitness world, disordered eating is extremely common

These types of strict routines mean that most competitors become disconnected from their bodies and what they truly need. Unsurprisingly, therefore, in the fitness world disordered eating is extremely common. Female athletes have the same risk factors as women in the general population, supplemented by the additional risk of reducing their body fat to dangerously low levels.

Body fat is decreased during the final stage of competition preparation, which is masochistically known as ‘cutting’. This typically begins eight to twelve weeks prior to a show, depending on the amount of fat that must be lost in order to create a winning physique.

This process increases the female competitor’s susceptibility to three inter-related disorders, known as the Female Athlete Triad. The components of the triad are osteoporosis, amenorrhea and disordered eating.

Osteoporosis occurs because limiting calorie intake leads to a decreased production of the hormone oestrogen. Since oestrogen plays a crucial role in calcium resorption and bone growth, reduced levels can lead to brittle bones.

Even though I was following an extremely restrictive diet, I naively thought that any damage would be offset by my strength training which typically increases bone density. After competing, however, I had a bone density (DEXA) scan, which revealed that my bone density was borderline abnormal.

This was the last time I lost my period before I learned that I was infertile


Not only does a low level of oestrogen lead to brittle bones, it also causes menstrual dysfunction where the cycle can be delayed, or can stop altogether (known as amenorrhea). Owing to my restrictive eating habit, I have lost my period on numerous occasions over the past two decades.

When I experienced amenorrhea during competition preparation, however, this was the last occasion before I learned that I was infertile. Three very costly and emotionally traumatic in vitro fertilization (IVF) cycles later, and I am still waiting for my miracle baby.


While osteoporosis and amenorrhea are widely experienced by female athletes, the most common aspect of the triad is disordered eating. This includes extreme calorie restriction, binge eating, and purging via excessive exercise or self-induced vomiting. These abnormal patterns of behaviour are caused by the strict nutritional regime required during competition prep.

My own insubstantial food plan exacerbated my pre-existing patterns of disorderly eating. I was so hungry that I couldn’t keep any ‘forbidden’ food items in the house since I had moments of ‘weakness’, where I would ‘give in’ and binge. A teaspoon of peanut butter could easily become a whole jar.

I unsuccessfully attempted to alleviate my troublesome appetite by drinking litres of cherry Pepsi max and chewing sugar free gum. The Pepsi, however, gave me headaches and heart palpitations; and I chewed so much gum that I eventually wore away my teeth and had to have most of them filled.

Hunger increases during the final weeks of preparation, when carbohydrates are drastically decreased in order to boost fat loss. Reducing carbohydrates to less than 20g per day releases ketones which the body can then use as fuel. This process produces various side effects, however, including nausea, headaches and fatigue.

This established a pattern of eating which would later turn into a vicious cycle of restriction and binging

In order to avoid these undesirable symptoms, competitors typically cycle carbohydrates. This involves enduring several consecutive low carbohydrate days, followed by a high carbohydrate ‘refeed’ day to aid metabolism and ensure continual fat loss. I didn’t know at the time, but this established a pattern of eating which would later turn into a vicious cycle of restriction and binging.

In the end, all my hard work paid off. I won. And I was awarded my Pro Card. But was it worth it? On show day, the audience admire and applaud your physique. But they don’t see behind the curtain. They don’t see what it takes to be that woman holding the trophy. And they don’t see what happens afterwards.


Stepping off stage was the beginning of a relapse into my most serious and dangerous anorexic phase to date.


Terrified of losing my stage physique, I continued to restrict my calorie intake over the next couple of years. I lost body fat, and I also lost the muscle that I worked so hard to gain. My body literally ate itself. My glutes, the prize aspect of every bikini competitor, became saggy and deflated. My coccyx was so bony that I had to sit on a cushion. I was constantly cold from the inside out and handfuls of my hair fell out in the shower. I couldn’t go to the gym; I couldn’t even walk 10 minutes to the shop without feeling faint.

Eventually, my internal organs began to shut down and my hormones stopped functioning. I developed bradycardia because the muscles in my heart had shrunk.

I lost over 2 stone (12.7kg) before I was admitted into an eating disorders hospital, where I spent 18 months as an outpatient. I was emaciated and mentally broken, a shadow of the woman who triumphantly raised the winning trophy.

In my experience, having your dream body does not make your life better. For me, it did exactly the opposite.

Whether you are preparing for a fitness competition, or just trying to manipulate your body through diet and exercise, I hope this has brought attention to the physical and emotional damage that can be caused by valuing aesthetics over mental health.

I am now working towards food freedom and body acceptance. I still have my competition bikini as a memento, but its time in the spotlight is over and it is resolutely HUNG UP.